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Since last Thursday night’s Dallas Cowboys game against the Chargers, all I seem to be reading about is how poorly the Cowboys’ defense performed. Well, I don’t know what game those writers were watching, but I saw something else entirely for the Cowboys and Jason Garrett.
When I watched that game, I saw a myriad of great opportunities for the D. These silly writers are overlooking some very real possibilities and benefits that could happen for the Cowboys defense that could make them one of the most feared units in the NFL. Here are just a few examples of what could make them great:
The Cowboys will be playing a lot of their games in open air stadiums this season, so there’s always a chance that the entire opposing offense will get simultaneously struck by lightning. Call me crazy, but I think I saw Jerry Jones up on the roof of the Death Star tying kites with keys on the string to the edges of the hole in the roof. And I think several of the Cowboys’ draft picks this year were spent on players who don’t typically carry a big build up of static electricity. That may seem like a long shot, but just think about some of the luck we’ve had with other long shots like Bobby Carpenter and Pac Man Jones and . . . wait . . . never mind.
2. Tell JJ that the opposing team’s offense is made up of strippers.
I think Marinelli should run with this strategy. He can get JJ all liquored up, put him in a uniform and then tell his old butt that the opposing team’s wide outs are all hot blond strippers. This should easily and effectively resolve all of the Cowboys’ long standing DB issues. Best coverage ever.
I don’t think there is an actual NFL rule against signing robots to the team. I bet the technology is already there. I mean, “The Six Million Dollar Man” hinted at this, and that show was on TV like 40 years ago. My friends all tell me that it was a work of fiction, but I’m pretty sure it was a documentary.
The benefits of robot players are almost endless: No injury risk, you don’t have to pay them, and they could be designed to look all hot and Gothy like Daryl Hanna in Blade Runner. Yes, I am sold on the idea of Jerrybots. Like the Terminator, only cocky and always smiling. (I would explain how the robots avoid all the on-the-field lightning, but it gets a kind of technical and sciencey, and who wants to hear that?)
4. Politeness as a strategy
My mother always taught me to treat people with respect and kindness, and they will hopefully do the same in return. So maybe our defense should get together the night before the game and bake a pie or something for the opposing team. When they give it to them, they should ask politely for them not to score too many points against the Cowboys. Then if they are laughed at, we unleash the robots. Then we have robots and pie. Freaking awesome.
5. The punt return team will be very well rested.
This is an often overlooked benefit for our Special Teams group. The punt return team may never see the field again once the regular season starts, but think of what they can do with time. They can get ahead on preparing their taxes or catch up with old childhood friends on Facebook. Heck, they could even look into getting an advanced degree online through the University of Phoenix. They probably won’t play much, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be organized with their free time.
6. Running backwards has several health benefits compared to running forward.
I think this could be the biggest possible benefit for our injury prone defense. Maybe they aren’t bad at all. Maybe they are just trying to stay healthy by running backwards instead of pushing back against the opposing offense.
By running backwards, our defense:
- Burns more calories than when running forwards.
- Has less impact on their knees
- Has a more sharpened sense of balance.
- Should recover from injuries faster.
Sure, they may be the worst defense in the league, but they are going to look and feel fantastic!
So when I read all the articles about how bad the Cowboys’ defense is, I just have to shake my head and feel a little sorry for these writers because they are missing the bigger picture – the bigger plan. I’ve seen the future, and it’s Polite Daryl Hanna Lightning Robots with Gropey JJ covering all DB positions. Welcome to Awesomeville, Cowboys Nation!